Fear and the Faithfulness of God: Part Two

The delivery day would be soon. I had already worn out talking to the doctors, nurses, my husband, myself.  Yet, I had not worn out God...

I desperately needed His Word throughout everything, as there was grief and there was fear. And for those, there was comfort and there was promise-- specifically this one:

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4

This wasn't just "naming and claiming" a Bible verse. This wasn't treating God's word as if it was a magical incantation or a mantra. It was going to be putting all my eggs in the proverbial basket. If I sought Him, would He answer? Would He really deliver me from all of my fears, as He did with David?  Even the hideously embarrassing fears that I was ashamed to admit? Those were the fears that made me want to run away from Him, not turn toward Him.

God reassured me, "Yes, those ones. Because of my Son, you can." No longer condemned, because I am in Christ Jesus. Because I have been sought after, by Him, I was secure and could seek Him...over and over, with no embarrassment or fear of tiring Him. From that, I sought.

The word "sought" in the Psalm, meant to "resort to, frequent (a place), (tread a place)". To beat a path. As the days dwindled down, and as the anxious feelings rose up, I took them to Him. I had beaten a path, walking it over and over again, to His throne.  It was a humbling reminder of who God was, and who I am. Weak, broken, yet loved by a perfect Father, who would supply my every need.

Those who look to him are radiant,

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. 

Psalm 34:5-6

In the Psalm, we can see that a humbling must take place: "those look to him" and "this poor man cried." In the face of fear, the drum of the world beats "You are strong" and the drum of my heart would beat, "You must be strong" and all the while, I lived (and still do..who I am kidding?) in denial because I am actually weak. I know I am not the only one..... but the freedom comes when the shackles of pride fall off, when we start to understand that the heart of God beats, "Come to me, I am your strength." There was freedom for me to lay it all before Him and admit my weakness;  my brokenness as a person and my sin. I could trust that He would deliver me from my fears, whether it would be the fear of "failure" as I saw it, or the fear of holding my son, after weeks of decay.

What did His deliverance look like on February 10th, 2012?

Fear and the faithfulness of God: Part One

My gut churned, for a good month, waking up with my stomach in knots, revealing the plight of my heart; fear, anxiousness and worry. It wasn't the first time I felt this fear, but this time it wasn't easily shaken off. It was a familiar place I was revisiting...

what about those other times? I had to think back.....

...when God nudged me to step out in faith, and homeschool my kids, feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and I knew it would require a lot of dying to myself--that I honestly didn't want to do.

...when God gave me twins, again feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and fearing all sorts of scenarios that would never come to pass because of.....

..when God brought death to our doorstep, there was a new fear to face...

and that is where my heart decided to land. The most real (recent) time my heart had to face fear, and a vivid remembrance of God's faithfulness.

With the news of the death of one of our twin sons, there was the impending reality that I would have to say goodbye. Would I be able to hold my Caleb? Would I even have the courage to, if given the chance?  And even more, would God still love and accept me if my heart withered and courage failed? Because, more often than not, my courage is non-existent and my faith is weak.

God, in His providence, not only gave my surviving son, Elijah, more time to grow and develop, up until 36.6 weeks, but He also gave me time to process, to wrestle, and to learn to trust. I sought out advice from the doctors, who gave us an idea of what would happen on delivery day---and they were honest, it wouldn't be pretty if I decided to see Caleb after x amount of weeks in the womb. However, they also reassured me that everything would be handled delicately and there was no pressure either way. I talked to a nurse in the office, who had also lost a baby, and she shared her experience as well as what she has seen from others. And I prayed... a lot.

Brutal honesty, there was some fear over whether I would be able to hold my dead child. The unknown, the possibility of having that image burned in my mind forever, the dread of losing control. The other part of me had the fear of regret, in not giving God the opportunity to show His goodness. How many times do we allow our fears to cause us to doubt or forget God's faithfulness? How often do our fears keep us from stepping out in faith, taking God at His word and trusting that He will prove Himself faithful?

Obviously by the fears that were plaguing me, months ago, I had forgotten His faithfulness, His goodness....I needed to remember:

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears 

Psalm 34:4

Whether in word or deed (or grief)...giving thanks to God

The year anniversary of Caleb's death is approaching. It was not by chance or luck or happenstance that his passing came before Thanksgiving. It seems as if the Lord had been preparing my heart for this journey. For the last couple years, I had taken on a 30-day challenge to be thankful during the month of November. It was a great exercise for me, to reveal my lack of gratitude and to encourage me to be thankful in the 'hard' things, which were at the time, trivial in comparision. The Lord knew I needed some training in this area of life, and He knew what storms were up ahead. When the storm came in November 23rd, 2011, there would be a fight---a continual battle for joy and thankfulness in the face of the circumstances, in the face of grief. How can God expect me to count it all joy when I face my trials, how can I give thanks in ALL circumstances? In my flesh, it seems impossible. To the world, it seems impossible. 

It is a fight for thankfulness, honestly, it is hard--it can be easier to focus on what (or who, in this case) I do not have. There are those moments when all I can utter is, "Lord, help me" and I rest in His mercy. But in those times, that I do fight for joy and gratitude in my grief, rather than pity or wallowing in my sadness, He has given me many gifts of grace. He has been transforming my earthly perspective into a heavenly one. God has a wonderful way about Him, that is beyond my understanding. He turns the weak things into strong, raising up the least to be first, and making what I deem as impossible as possible. He occasionally peels back the fog of this world, to reveal a glimpse of His glory, His plans--and that is simply amazing!
 
While we were expecting twins, we knew of several others who were expecting twins as well-- all of those couples, thankfully, had successful twin pregnancies. There was a great temptation to ask why we were the ones to go through tragedy, and only seldom did we muddy those waters. One night, a few months ago, I was contemplating the question. It was not an angry "why" this time, but truly searching as to why I did not have the blessing of having both of my children here.  You know, that moment ultrasound tech told me that we had twins (after my jaw had been picked up off the floor and my mini-heart attack--kidding!), I felt extra blessed--like I had been chosen for a special task, it was completely a miracle of God. And now that had been taken away, I no longer had that chosen role of "mother of twins". Why did we have that special blessing, that miracle, only to have it taken away? In the stillness of wrestling with God, He spoke to my heart that he has entrusted me with role, precious in its' own right--  it was to be a grieving mother and it was going to be for His glory. And my heart was overwhelmed, and the words of a teenage Mary, mother of Jesus, came to mind, "I am a servant of the Lord..may it be to me as you have said."

He has entrusted me with a role that will give Him more glory, than it would have for me to be an earthly mother to Caleb and Eli. For that "revelation", I am very thankful. It has given me new purpose; one that aims to suffer well, by His grace.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." 

The God who sees

An unlikely mother's day present arrived today for me---postmarked from the Lord. A reminder that I am His, I am loved, and I am seen by Him. Yes, I love the gifts from my children and my husband, but there is none quite like the one given by a Heavenly Father, who loves an unworthy sinner like me, and has called me His own.

I hadn't thought much about how the loss of Caleb would affect me on Mother's day. It was more of his absence from our parent/child dedication service that hit me harder than anything....

We were able to present our little Eli (now three months). He is such a precious boy, and a perfect baby. He brings us such much joy. Missing, however, was his twin brother, Caleb. That fact tugged on my heart a little. The Lord knew....

 Fast forward through the service a little further, and our youth band begins to lead us in worship, "How He loves." I'm meditating on His love, and thinking through times in my life when I have questioned His love. Most often times of my flesh, desiring glory for myself, not realizing His immense love in redeeming me a sinner. I was just praising Him at that moment that I could rest in His love, and the work He has done in my life.Stripping away some layers of pride, some of that desire to make me the center of the universe (emphasis on "some"). Yes, I have these inner soul conversations a lot. Sigh, God was good.

A little bit later, a slideshow presentation for mothers starts and a soloist gets ready to sing. I noticed behind me the lyrics, and it was a song that has helped me in my grief, "I will carry you" by Selah. I lost it....I did not seen one bit of the slideshow (good thing they made copies!) Blubbering, mascara all over my face, crying....and not over the death of my son, but over the lavish love that God poured out on my heart in that service. He didn't have to give me that gift for mother's day, I already have had grace upon graces given. Just when I rested in that, He gave more.

My mind turned to Hagar, when my senses returned. I suppose I could of thought of Hannah, a more typical Biblical mother, but for some reason it was Hagar. She was the mother of Ishmael, the not-promised child of Abraham. Once she became pregnant, she was mistreated by Sarah, and she ran away. Probably in the middle of nowhere, an angel of the Lord reminded her that God knew exactly where she was, and had a plan for her son. Hagar's response was this: "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." The One who sees me...she had not been abandoned by her Creator. Later, there was another encounter in Genesis 21, where Hagar and Ishmael are sent away from Abraham's household. They were wandering in the desert, both crying- Hagar over her son, "I cannot watch the boy die." It then says God heard the boy cry, and an angel called to her,"What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there." Out in the middle of nowhere, again, but this time the Lord hears. The One who sees is the same One who hears. 

And He heard me.

Anticipating a day of sorrow and joy

Tomorrow, February 10th, 2012 will be the day our twin sons, Eli and Caleb are delivered. It won't be a "typical" delivery, because our sweet Caleb passed away at 25 weeks (over two months ago). We are so thankful that Eli has done well, and he is ready to make his appearance at 36.6 weeks. I realize some may have not known about our situation, and I thought I should give an update so that no one is taken off guard, when we have pictures of only one baby. I've gone back and forth about how much I should share, whether it was appropriate, whether I was ready--I pray that I haven't squandered an opportunity to show the goodness of God even in our tragedy. Maybe I can somehow redeem that--

How do you prepare for a day like tomorrow? I'm not quite sure. My heart has been preparing for the last two months, carrying around life and death in my womb, moving between grief and happiness, uneasiness and peace. The Lord has been gracious in lending His strength, and I'm thankful to belong to a compassionate Father who weeps with those who mourn. His son, Jesus Christ, knew what it was like to live in world of heartache and sin. Not only can he relate to our hurt in this life, he also ushered in the kingdom of God, where I find my hope as I live in between two kingdoms.

There are many aspects of this journey that I'd like to share (and maybe will at some point) but I'm mainly writing to ask for prayers from our brothers and sisters in Christ, that we will honor Him in our sorrow and joy, and pray for a safe delivery for Eli and myself tomorrow. We are so thankful for the generosity and love already shown by our friends and family, their prayers, visits, etc. etc. Just another evidence of God pouring out His love on us. He is good, and even in our sufferings, I've found it to be even more true.

Three is the new twenty

Reading parent magazines, I always like to look at the section that record the funny things that kids say. Collin is at the stage where he has questions about everything, and his perspective on the world is so unique. I thought I would just share two little stories and hopefully bring a smile to your face.

• We were eating at a restaurant, where they call out your number and you go up to the counter to pick up your meal. Our number was called over the loud speaker, and Collin had a quizzical look on his face, "Is that God?"

• Collin likes to have his Bible read before nap and bedtime. One of the Bible stories, tells of creation, and reads like a catchecism. Who made the trees? God did. Who made the animals? God did, etc. One day we were trying to get Collin to pick up his toys. And he said, Mommy, you do it. I asked him, "who made the mess?" He said, "God did??"
  

Update please?

Our blog has been asking me to be updated, so I thought I would grant its wish and stop neglecting it. We have survived the winter months (we've had snow three times!) and we are rejoicing it is spring. After a challenging winter, personally, I keep coming back to the verse in Isaiah 43: 19, "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." There are seasons of life, much resembling the seasons of weather. In the winter season of life, we shouldn't despair for it is only too a season, and it shall pass... God will bring up something new if we let Him!

I promise this the last picture with snow** I hope!**

Too cute not to include Collin with his "sno-bro"

Ainsley and Collin taking a ride on the Thomas Express

Thanks Mimi & PP Ireland

Daddy with his girl. See any resemblance?

I tried putting her hair back, only lasted for a couple minutes.

This is our little "valley girl" with her purse, she loves purses and talking on the phone.

Oh yeah, and she is walking now! We are in trouble.

Collin just celebrated his third birthday. To celebrate, we took him to Chuck E. Cheese

Mimi and PP Ireland came to visit, so we had a very happy birthday!

Ainsley enjoyed the carousel

We still have a few more pictures of Collin's birthday to post, stay tune!