I hadn't thought much about how the loss of Caleb would affect me on Mother's day. It was more of his absence from our parent/child dedication service that hit me harder than anything....
We were able to present our little Eli (now three months). He is such a precious boy, and a perfect baby. He brings us such much joy. Missing, however, was his twin brother, Caleb. That fact tugged on my heart a little. The Lord knew....
Fast forward through the service a little further, and our youth band begins to lead us in worship, "How He loves." I'm meditating on His love, and thinking through times in my life when I have questioned His love. Most often times of my flesh, desiring glory for myself, not realizing His immense love in redeeming me a sinner. I was just praising Him at that moment that I could rest in His love, and the work He has done in my life.Stripping away some layers of pride, some of that desire to make me the center of the universe (emphasis on "some"). Yes, I have these inner soul conversations a lot. Sigh, God was good.
A little bit later, a slideshow presentation for mothers starts and a soloist gets ready to sing. I noticed behind me the lyrics, and it was a song that has helped me in my grief, "I will carry you" by Selah. I lost it....I did not seen one bit of the slideshow (good thing they made copies!) Blubbering, mascara all over my face, crying....and not over the death of my son, but over the lavish love that God poured out on my heart in that service. He didn't have to give me that gift for mother's day, I already have had grace upon graces given. Just when I rested in that, He gave more.
My mind turned to Hagar, when my senses returned. I suppose I could of thought of Hannah, a more typical Biblical mother, but for some reason it was Hagar. She was the mother of Ishmael, the not-promised child of Abraham. Once she became pregnant, she was mistreated by Sarah, and she ran away. Probably in the middle of nowhere, an angel of the Lord reminded her that God knew exactly where she was, and had a plan for her son. Hagar's response was this: "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." The One who sees me...she had not been abandoned by her Creator. Later, there was another encounter in Genesis 21, where Hagar and Ishmael are sent away from Abraham's household. They were wandering in the desert, both crying- Hagar over her son, "I cannot watch the boy die." It then says God heard the boy cry, and an angel called to her,"What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there." Out in the middle of nowhere, again, but this time the Lord hears. The One who sees is the same One who hears.
And He heard me.
