The year anniversary of Caleb's death is approaching. It was not by chance or luck or happenstance that his passing came before Thanksgiving. It seems as if the Lord had been preparing my heart for this journey. For the last couple years, I had taken on a 30-day challenge to be thankful during the month of November. It was a great exercise for me, to reveal my lack of gratitude and to encourage me to be thankful in the 'hard' things, which were at the time, trivial in comparision. The Lord knew I needed some training in this area of life, and He knew what storms were up ahead. When the storm came in November 23rd, 2011, there would be a fight---a continual battle for joy and thankfulness in the face of the circumstances, in the face of grief. How can God expect me to count it all joy when I face my trials, how can I give thanks in ALL circumstances? In my flesh, it seems impossible. To the world, it seems impossible.
It is a fight for thankfulness, honestly, it is hard--it can be easier to focus on what (or who, in this case) I do not have. There are those moments when all I can utter is, "Lord, help me" and I rest in His mercy. But in those times, that I do fight for joy and gratitude in my grief, rather than pity or wallowing in my sadness, He has given me many gifts of grace. He has been transforming my earthly perspective into a heavenly one. God has a wonderful way about Him, that is beyond my understanding. He turns the weak things into strong, raising up the least to be first, and making what I deem as impossible as possible. He occasionally peels back the fog of this world, to reveal a glimpse of His glory, His plans--and that is simply amazing!
While we were expecting twins, we knew of several others who were expecting twins as well-- all of those couples, thankfully, had successful twin pregnancies. There was a great temptation to ask why we were the ones to go through tragedy, and only seldom did we muddy those waters. One night, a few months ago, I was contemplating the question. It was not an angry "why" this time, but truly searching as to why I did not have the blessing of having both of my children here. You know, that moment ultrasound tech told me that we had twins (after my jaw had been picked up off the floor and my mini-heart attack--kidding!), I felt extra blessed--like I had been chosen for a special task, it was completely a miracle of God. And now that had been taken away, I no longer had that chosen role of "mother of twins". Why did we have that special blessing, that miracle, only to have it taken away? In the stillness of wrestling with God, He spoke to my heart that he has entrusted me with role, precious in its' own right-- it was to be a grieving mother and it was going to be for His glory. And my heart was overwhelmed, and the words of a teenage Mary, mother of Jesus, came to mind, "I am a servant of the Lord..may it be to me as you have said."
He has entrusted me with a role that will give Him more glory, than it would have for me to be an earthly mother to Caleb and Eli. For that "revelation", I am very thankful. It has given me new purpose; one that aims to suffer well, by His grace.
"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord
Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The God who sees
An unlikely mother's day present arrived today for me---postmarked from the Lord. A reminder that I am His, I am loved, and I am seen by Him. Yes, I love the gifts from my children and my husband, but there is none quite like the one given by a Heavenly Father, who loves an unworthy sinner like me, and has called me His own.
I hadn't thought much about how the loss of Caleb would affect me on Mother's day. It was more of his absence from our parent/child dedication service that hit me harder than anything....
We were able to present our little Eli (now three months). He is such a precious boy, and a perfect baby. He brings us such much joy. Missing, however, was his twin brother, Caleb. That fact tugged on my heart a little. The Lord knew....
Fast forward through the service a little further, and our youth band begins to lead us in worship, "How He loves." I'm meditating on His love, and thinking through times in my life when I have questioned His love. Most often times of my flesh, desiring glory for myself, not realizing His immense love in redeeming me a sinner. I was just praising Him at that moment that I could rest in His love, and the work He has done in my life.Stripping away some layers of pride, some of that desire to make me the center of the universe (emphasis on "some"). Yes, I have these inner soul conversations a lot. Sigh, God was good.
A little bit later, a slideshow presentation for mothers starts and a soloist gets ready to sing. I noticed behind me the lyrics, and it was a song that has helped me in my grief, "I will carry you" by Selah. I lost it....I did not seen one bit of the slideshow (good thing they made copies!) Blubbering, mascara all over my face, crying....and not over the death of my son, but over the lavish love that God poured out on my heart in that service. He didn't have to give me that gift for mother's day, I already have had grace upon graces given. Just when I rested in that, He gave more.
My mind turned to Hagar, when my senses returned. I suppose I could of thought of Hannah, a more typical Biblical mother, but for some reason it was Hagar. She was the mother of Ishmael, the not-promised child of Abraham. Once she became pregnant, she was mistreated by Sarah, and she ran away. Probably in the middle of nowhere, an angel of the Lord reminded her that God knew exactly where she was, and had a plan for her son. Hagar's response was this: "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." The One who sees me...she had not been abandoned by her Creator. Later, there was another encounter in Genesis 21, where Hagar and Ishmael are sent away from Abraham's household. They were wandering in the desert, both crying- Hagar over her son, "I cannot watch the boy die." It then says God heard the boy cry, and an angel called to her,"What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there." Out in the middle of nowhere, again, but this time the Lord hears. The One who sees is the same One who hears.
And He heard me.
I hadn't thought much about how the loss of Caleb would affect me on Mother's day. It was more of his absence from our parent/child dedication service that hit me harder than anything....
We were able to present our little Eli (now three months). He is such a precious boy, and a perfect baby. He brings us such much joy. Missing, however, was his twin brother, Caleb. That fact tugged on my heart a little. The Lord knew....
Fast forward through the service a little further, and our youth band begins to lead us in worship, "How He loves." I'm meditating on His love, and thinking through times in my life when I have questioned His love. Most often times of my flesh, desiring glory for myself, not realizing His immense love in redeeming me a sinner. I was just praising Him at that moment that I could rest in His love, and the work He has done in my life.Stripping away some layers of pride, some of that desire to make me the center of the universe (emphasis on "some"). Yes, I have these inner soul conversations a lot. Sigh, God was good.
A little bit later, a slideshow presentation for mothers starts and a soloist gets ready to sing. I noticed behind me the lyrics, and it was a song that has helped me in my grief, "I will carry you" by Selah. I lost it....I did not seen one bit of the slideshow (good thing they made copies!) Blubbering, mascara all over my face, crying....and not over the death of my son, but over the lavish love that God poured out on my heart in that service. He didn't have to give me that gift for mother's day, I already have had grace upon graces given. Just when I rested in that, He gave more.
My mind turned to Hagar, when my senses returned. I suppose I could of thought of Hannah, a more typical Biblical mother, but for some reason it was Hagar. She was the mother of Ishmael, the not-promised child of Abraham. Once she became pregnant, she was mistreated by Sarah, and she ran away. Probably in the middle of nowhere, an angel of the Lord reminded her that God knew exactly where she was, and had a plan for her son. Hagar's response was this: "She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: "You are the God who sees me," for she said, "I have now seen the One who sees me." The One who sees me...she had not been abandoned by her Creator. Later, there was another encounter in Genesis 21, where Hagar and Ishmael are sent away from Abraham's household. They were wandering in the desert, both crying- Hagar over her son, "I cannot watch the boy die." It then says God heard the boy cry, and an angel called to her,"What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there." Out in the middle of nowhere, again, but this time the Lord hears. The One who sees is the same One who hears.
And He heard me.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Anticipating a day of sorrow and joy
Tomorrow, February 10th, 2012 will be the day our twin sons, Eli and Caleb are delivered. It won't be a "typical" delivery, because our sweet Caleb passed away at 25 weeks (over two months ago). We are so thankful that Eli has done well, and he is ready to make his appearance at 36.6 weeks. I realize some may have not known about our situation, and I thought I should give an update so that no one is taken off guard, when we have pictures of only one baby. I've gone back and forth about how much I should share, whether it was appropriate, whether I was ready--I pray that I haven't squandered an opportunity to show the goodness of God even in our tragedy. Maybe I can somehow redeem that--
How do you prepare for a day like tomorrow? I'm not quite sure. My heart has been preparing for the last two months, carrying around life and death in my womb, moving between grief and happiness, uneasiness and peace. The Lord has been gracious in lending His strength, and I'm thankful to belong to a compassionate Father who weeps with those who mourn. His son, Jesus Christ, knew what it was like to live in world of heartache and sin. Not only can he relate to our hurt in this life, he also ushered in the kingdom of God, where I find my hope as I live in between two kingdoms.
There are many aspects of this journey that I'd like to share (and maybe will at some point) but I'm mainly writing to ask for prayers from our brothers and sisters in Christ, that we will honor Him in our sorrow and joy, and pray for a safe delivery for Eli and myself tomorrow. We are so thankful for the generosity and love already shown by our friends and family, their prayers, visits, etc. etc. Just another evidence of God pouring out His love on us. He is good, and even in our sufferings, I've found it to be even more true.
How do you prepare for a day like tomorrow? I'm not quite sure. My heart has been preparing for the last two months, carrying around life and death in my womb, moving between grief and happiness, uneasiness and peace. The Lord has been gracious in lending His strength, and I'm thankful to belong to a compassionate Father who weeps with those who mourn. His son, Jesus Christ, knew what it was like to live in world of heartache and sin. Not only can he relate to our hurt in this life, he also ushered in the kingdom of God, where I find my hope as I live in between two kingdoms.
There are many aspects of this journey that I'd like to share (and maybe will at some point) but I'm mainly writing to ask for prayers from our brothers and sisters in Christ, that we will honor Him in our sorrow and joy, and pray for a safe delivery for Eli and myself tomorrow. We are so thankful for the generosity and love already shown by our friends and family, their prayers, visits, etc. etc. Just another evidence of God pouring out His love on us. He is good, and even in our sufferings, I've found it to be even more true.
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