The year anniversary of Caleb's death is approaching. It was not by chance or luck or happenstance that his passing came before Thanksgiving. It seems as if the Lord had been preparing my heart for this journey. For the last couple years, I had taken on a 30-day challenge to be thankful during the month of November. It was a great exercise for me, to reveal my lack of gratitude and to encourage me to be thankful in the 'hard' things, which were at the time, trivial in comparision. The Lord knew I needed some training in this area of life, and He knew what storms were up ahead. When the storm came in November 23rd, 2011, there would be a fight---a continual battle for joy and thankfulness in the face of the circumstances, in the face of grief. How can God expect me to count it all joy when I face my trials, how can I give thanks in ALL circumstances? In my flesh, it seems impossible. To the world, it seems impossible.
It is a fight for thankfulness, honestly, it is hard--it can be easier to focus on what (or who, in this case) I do not have. There are those moments when all I can utter is, "Lord, help me" and I rest in His mercy. But in those times, that I do fight for joy and gratitude in my grief, rather than pity or wallowing in my sadness, He has given me many gifts of grace. He has been transforming my earthly perspective into a heavenly one. God has a wonderful way about Him, that is beyond my understanding. He turns the weak things into strong, raising up the least to be first, and making what I deem as impossible as possible. He occasionally peels back the fog of this world, to reveal a glimpse of His glory, His plans--and that is simply amazing!
While we were expecting twins, we knew of several others who were expecting twins as well-- all of those couples, thankfully, had successful twin pregnancies. There was a great temptation to ask why we were the ones to go through tragedy, and only seldom did we muddy those waters. One night, a few months ago, I was contemplating the question. It was not an angry "why" this time, but truly searching as to why I did not have the blessing of having both of my children here. You know, that moment ultrasound tech told me that we had twins (after my jaw had been picked up off the floor and my mini-heart attack--kidding!), I felt extra blessed--like I had been chosen for a special task, it was completely a miracle of God. And now that had been taken away, I no longer had that chosen role of "mother of twins". Why did we have that special blessing, that miracle, only to have it taken away? In the stillness of wrestling with God, He spoke to my heart that he has entrusted me with role, precious in its' own right-- it was to be a grieving mother and it was going to be for His glory. And my heart was overwhelmed, and the words of a teenage Mary, mother of Jesus, came to mind, "I am a servant of the Lord..may it be to me as you have said."
He has entrusted me with a role that will give Him more glory, than it would have for me to be an earthly mother to Caleb and Eli. For that "revelation", I am very thankful. It has given me new purpose; one that aims to suffer well, by His grace.
"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord
Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
