Fear and the Faithfulness of God: Part Two

The delivery day would be soon. I had already worn out talking to the doctors, nurses, my husband, myself.  Yet, I had not worn out God...

I desperately needed His Word throughout everything, as there was grief and there was fear. And for those, there was comfort and there was promise-- specifically this one:

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4

This wasn't just "naming and claiming" a Bible verse. This wasn't treating God's word as if it was a magical incantation or a mantra. It was going to be putting all my eggs in the proverbial basket. If I sought Him, would He answer? Would He really deliver me from all of my fears, as He did with David?  Even the hideously embarrassing fears that I was ashamed to admit? Those were the fears that made me want to run away from Him, not turn toward Him.

God reassured me, "Yes, those ones. Because of my Son, you can." No longer condemned, because I am in Christ Jesus. Because I have been sought after, by Him, I was secure and could seek Him...over and over, with no embarrassment or fear of tiring Him. From that, I sought.

The word "sought" in the Psalm, meant to "resort to, frequent (a place), (tread a place)". To beat a path. As the days dwindled down, and as the anxious feelings rose up, I took them to Him. I had beaten a path, walking it over and over again, to His throne.  It was a humbling reminder of who God was, and who I am. Weak, broken, yet loved by a perfect Father, who would supply my every need.

Those who look to him are radiant,

and their faces shall never be ashamed.

This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. 

Psalm 34:5-6

In the Psalm, we can see that a humbling must take place: "those look to him" and "this poor man cried." In the face of fear, the drum of the world beats "You are strong" and the drum of my heart would beat, "You must be strong" and all the while, I lived (and still do..who I am kidding?) in denial because I am actually weak. I know I am not the only one..... but the freedom comes when the shackles of pride fall off, when we start to understand that the heart of God beats, "Come to me, I am your strength." There was freedom for me to lay it all before Him and admit my weakness;  my brokenness as a person and my sin. I could trust that He would deliver me from my fears, whether it would be the fear of "failure" as I saw it, or the fear of holding my son, after weeks of decay.

What did His deliverance look like on February 10th, 2012?

Fear and the faithfulness of God: Part One

My gut churned, for a good month, waking up with my stomach in knots, revealing the plight of my heart; fear, anxiousness and worry. It wasn't the first time I felt this fear, but this time it wasn't easily shaken off. It was a familiar place I was revisiting...

what about those other times? I had to think back.....

...when God nudged me to step out in faith, and homeschool my kids, feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and I knew it would require a lot of dying to myself--that I honestly didn't want to do.

...when God gave me twins, again feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and fearing all sorts of scenarios that would never come to pass because of.....

..when God brought death to our doorstep, there was a new fear to face...

and that is where my heart decided to land. The most real (recent) time my heart had to face fear, and a vivid remembrance of God's faithfulness.

With the news of the death of one of our twin sons, there was the impending reality that I would have to say goodbye. Would I be able to hold my Caleb? Would I even have the courage to, if given the chance?  And even more, would God still love and accept me if my heart withered and courage failed? Because, more often than not, my courage is non-existent and my faith is weak.

God, in His providence, not only gave my surviving son, Elijah, more time to grow and develop, up until 36.6 weeks, but He also gave me time to process, to wrestle, and to learn to trust. I sought out advice from the doctors, who gave us an idea of what would happen on delivery day---and they were honest, it wouldn't be pretty if I decided to see Caleb after x amount of weeks in the womb. However, they also reassured me that everything would be handled delicately and there was no pressure either way. I talked to a nurse in the office, who had also lost a baby, and she shared her experience as well as what she has seen from others. And I prayed... a lot.

Brutal honesty, there was some fear over whether I would be able to hold my dead child. The unknown, the possibility of having that image burned in my mind forever, the dread of losing control. The other part of me had the fear of regret, in not giving God the opportunity to show His goodness. How many times do we allow our fears to cause us to doubt or forget God's faithfulness? How often do our fears keep us from stepping out in faith, taking God at His word and trusting that He will prove Himself faithful?

Obviously by the fears that were plaguing me, months ago, I had forgotten His faithfulness, His goodness....I needed to remember:

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears 

Psalm 34:4