what about those other times? I had to think back.....
...when God nudged me to step out in faith, and homeschool my kids, feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and I knew it would require a lot of dying to myself--that I honestly didn't want to do.
...when God gave me twins, again feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and fearing all sorts of scenarios that would never come to pass because of.....
..when God brought death to our doorstep, there was a new fear to face...
and that is where my heart decided to land. The most real (recent) time my heart had to face fear, and a vivid remembrance of God's faithfulness.
With the news of the death of one of our twin sons, there was the impending reality that I would have to say goodbye. Would I be able to hold my Caleb? Would I even have the courage to, if given the chance? And even more, would God still love and accept me if my heart withered and courage failed? Because, more often than not, my courage is non-existent and my faith is weak.
God, in His providence, not only gave my surviving son, Elijah, more time to grow and develop, up until 36.6 weeks, but He also gave me time to process, to wrestle, and to learn to trust. I sought out advice from the doctors, who gave us an idea of what would happen on delivery day---and they were honest, it wouldn't be pretty if I decided to see Caleb after x amount of weeks in the womb. However, they also reassured me that everything would be handled delicately and there was no pressure either way. I talked to a nurse in the office, who had also lost a baby, and she shared her experience as well as what she has seen from others. And I prayed... a lot.
Brutal honesty, there was some fear over whether I would be able to hold my dead child. The unknown, the possibility of having that image burned in my mind forever, the dread of losing control. The other part of me had the fear of regret, in not giving God the opportunity to show His goodness. How many times do we allow our fears to cause us to doubt or forget God's faithfulness? How often do our fears keep us from stepping out in faith, taking God at His word and trusting that He will prove Himself faithful?
Obviously by the fears that were plaguing me, months ago, I had forgotten His faithfulness, His goodness....I needed to remember:
I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears
Psalm 34:4
1 comment:
I too remember the pain. I remember the wonderment of it all. Twins. None in my family as far back I could remember. Yet, it seemed to be a real possibility. My shoulder surgery now seemed a real necessity if I was to hoist a pair of twins in my proud arms! But with all that wonderment came the reality of the loss of one of those precious babies. Not that I ever questioned God's decision. I learned long ago that He has his reasons. I want to believe that one was sacrificed so that the other could live. The reality is Caleb enjoys God's company and Eli gets a double dose of Grandpas live....
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